Drop #60: The Cretinaceous Period

For many years, with so little fossil evidence to work with, The Cretinaceous Period remained one of the least understood prehistrionic periods, continuing to baffle sarahpalintologists around the globe. We knew only that it occurred between the Triassic and Jymnastic periods, in the middle of the Misozoic era, when the atmosphere was hot and soupy, and that it was a silly time for the rather empty-headed dinosaurs that roamed its plains.

However, with the veritable treasure trove of well kept and near complete dinosaur skeletons recently discovered in the fossil rich Great Artesian Basin in Australia’s Outback Steakhouse, the global sarahpalintological community has been able to offer a far clearer picture. Turns out the dinosaurs of the Cretinaceous Period were even more imbecilic than first expected.

There was the Legosaurus, a clumsy creature that wasn’t very well put together (they found pieces of the famous Steakhouse specimen strewn across a vast area – so much so, that excavators kept stepping on them), and the Oesophagalus: a large herbivore that only cared about getting food into its stomach. There was the Bragaceratops: a small but incredibly conceited dinosaur that rubbed in any victory for epochs, and the Wannabuyapairomops: a big, lazy beast that just hung around the local ponds trying to sell cheap, stolen wares.

One of the largest Cretinaceous dinosaurs, however was Diplodorkus. It was intelligent but awkward and uncoordinated, and hence, easy prey for carnivores like Mymommasawus Rex, and the fiery Tyrannosaurus Tex Mex, though it would have been too massive for even a large pack of hunting Impossiraptors (there was just no way they could make it work). The other major medium sized predator of the time was Vebossyraptor. Groups of three or four would hunt smaller prey, steered by a heavy clawed, authoritative leader that never stopped hissing directions, but did little of the actual killing.

Some of the other species described after the recent discovery were: Delokeeraptor, Rhabadubdon, Matadaurus, Amalmosdon, and Igotnomuarus, but they are very new to science, and little is known about their habits.

We also don’t know exactly how the Cretinaceous period ended, though most suspect it was the result of an enormous asterisk. As I said, we don’t know for sure. Others have suggested that changes in the earth’s core, including its transverse abs and obliques, resulted in shifty weather patterns, which brought on a devious ice age. Whatever the reason, by the start of the Jymnastic period, most of these dinosaurs had gone extinct. Can you imagine how terrible that must have smelled.

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this journey through a ridiclous and little discussed prehistrionic period. Please note: though every effort was made to represent the species accurately, the pictures below are of reconstructions based largely on nonsense. They do, however, offer a glimpse into what things may or may not have been like.

Oesophagalus, obviously a herbivore, in it’s natural environment. Behind it is a perfect example of the flora of the Cretinaceous period. Look at the size of those trees!

A saucy brute, Tyrannosaurus Tex Mex terrorized the even dumber herbivores. *Note: Toilet signs atop picture are not representative of the Cretinaceoous Period.

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About EM Vireo
flooding the world with fiction

10 Responses to Drop #60: The Cretinaceous Period

  1. You had me at sarahpalintologists. Great archaeological dig through our confusing and – in my opinion – histrionic times…

  2. vworld26 says:

    fun-o-saurus-max!

  3. Very funny, an enjoyable read. Something about this writing reminds me of Douglas Adams.

    • EM Vireo says:

      Another excellent compliment. ‘Last Chance to See’ by Douglas Adams is one of my favourite books and any comparison is very cool. That book has perfect pitch, discussing depressing, conflicted things with great humor and wit.

  4. KK says:

    Nice take on our ridiculously non-historic era:) nice one!

  5. Intense Hsiu says:

    I’m easy, so the small rubbing victory of the bragasomething really got me.
    When one about human evolution? Enlighten us!

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