Drop #36: Banter

‘You sound so cute when you say that.’

‘What, waterborne diseases?’

‘Yes. Say it again.’

‘Waterborne diseases.’


‘Hey, how’s my makeup?’

‘It’s all over your face.’


‘And you seem to have cheese in your hair.’

‘It was a difficult salad.’

He picked it out and studied it. ‘Ricotta?’

‘No! Feta! Who puts ricotta in a salad?’

‘I do, but only when I’m feeling frisky. Are we going to leave the apartment today?’ he asked, scooting off the dining table.

‘Yes,’ she answered, yawning. ‘We need new crockery. I’d like to replace some of the stuff we never use–’

‘With other stuff we’ll never use?’


‘Great, we’ll make a day of it. We can have lunch at Haddock’s. It’s blue crab season.’

‘So many seasons, aren’t there? Crab, lobster, apple, truffle.’

‘Spring, Summer, Winter, Fall.’

‘Rainy, hurricane, high and low.’

‘Allergy, hunting, holiday and football.’

‘And don’t forget the season to be jolly!’

‘Yup,’ he said, ‘and you need different clothes for each.’

‘And medications.’

‘And travel itineraries!’

‘I finally understand the economy.’

‘That’s unfortunate, but it was bound to happen sometime.’

‘You want to pack a bag?’

‘For the day? Of course.’

‘Which backpack will you take?’

‘Not sure, but probably the only one we own.’

‘I thought so,’ she said. ‘You’re so predictable.’

‘It’s one of my minor afflictions.’

‘Along with sweaty palms and poor parking.’

‘Those would be major ones.’ He walked to the bedroom to fetch the bag from on top of the armoire. She followed him, watching his every move through the binoculars she had made of her hands, till he was done.

‘Ready!’ he announced excitedly, zipping the bag closed.

‘Did you pack everything?’ she asked.

‘I sure did.’

‘Even the stuff we won’t need?’


‘All of it?’


‘Good, then let’s go.’

‘Fine,’ he said, ‘but I’ll give you some advice in the meantime.’

‘Oh, goody!’

‘Next time, you might want to find your own joke to use. That one was barely ten minutes old.’

‘As if you haven’t recycled mine! Who knows? That could have even been one of them.’

‘Could have been, but probably wasn’t. God, how long does it take someone to put on a shoe?’

‘Depends on the laces, obviously.’

Neither wanted crab, and there was nothing, crockery or other, needed or not, that warranted buying, so they ended up at a new bar for a drink.

‘Kirin Ichiban,’ she said.

‘Scotch rocks,’ he said.

‘Coming right up,’ said the barman,

‘You know, the Scottish drink it neat. They invented it to stay warm in winter, so I imagine they don’t put ice in there.’

‘Oh yeah, well you know what? I couldn’t give a damn how the Scottish drink it.’

‘Oh, I assumed that,’ she said, ‘but one can’t give up trying to educate the uncultured. Same reason I always renew your Big Jugs subscription.’

‘I was wondering why you did that.’

‘Good, I thought you’d given up on inquisitiveness.’

‘Oh no, that was crack, darling.’

‘Of course. I always get those two mixed up.’

The barman gave them their drinks, pausing for a second to decide not to start conversation.

‘Cute,’ she said, when he’d walked off.

‘The barman?’

‘Who else?’


‘You’re not cute, honey, you’re candidly pornographic.’

‘That all?’

‘No. You’re masterfully cunnilingual, and you have a good musky scent about you too.’

‘Yes,’ he said, smelling his underarm, ‘a bouquet of shattering depth and character.’

‘What about me?’ she asked.

‘Oh, it’s quite simple sweetheart. You have a magic vagina, and your tits are incredibly perky.’

‘They are, aren’t they?’

‘Um, redundancy’

‘Pardon. One of my nasty afflictions.’

‘Yes, but you can make anything endearing, darling. Even redundancy.’

‘Surely not vomiting.’

‘Well, it is kinda cute when you do that talking to God in a Swedish accent over the bowl thing.’

‘Surely not taking a dump.’

‘Eh, you always put your knees together, lean an elbow on one of them and your chin on your palm, as if you were looking out over the Gobi desert at dawn.’

‘Lovely desert, the Gobi.’

‘Absolutely, and particularly at dawn.’

‘Maybe you’re right, though. Maybe I am charming in all I do.’

‘Yes, even conceit sits pretty on you.’

‘I get it, dear, now let’s move on, shall we? You want to invite the barman back home for a threesome, or not?’

‘I think that would be the only prudent course of action.’

‘Good, then it’s settled,’ she said. ‘Martinis and ménage, it is!’ She clapped silently, looking down the old teak bar ‘Oh, garcon,’ she called out. ‘We’d like to order something more.’

 By E.M. Vireo


About EM Vireo
flooding the world with fiction

3 Responses to Drop #36: Banter

  1. MCL says:

    great dialogue

  2. Francesco says:

    One of my favorites yet. 🙂

    Fabulous dialogue – so many gems in there.

    Keep it up.

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